Happy Marathon Year..!

So, this is the very last day I can say that next year I’ll be running my first marathon, and pretend that it’s safe and sound tucked away in a distant land. As soon as the clock strikes midnight, the horrifying reality that I’ll be running the London Marathon THIS YEAR will most likely cause several ongoing anxiety attacks, and I’ll vomit all the Christmas food I’m still eating… maybe not such a bad thing on second thoughts. That is one of the reasons I’m secretly glad this is the first year of my life that I won’t be seeing in the new year (I have marathon training in the morning). I’m an introvert, and unless I have plans with family or friends, the whole new years eve extravaganza doesn’t bother me too much at all. I’m okay with missing out on wanting to die on the tube trying to reach a destination in London that will charge me a month’s rent for one drink. All in the name of charity!

I do, however, look forward to the first day of January. I love a good spring clean – house and life, and the chance to reset and refresh is always welcome. I tend to steer clear of new year’s resolutions or any form of anxiety induced future planning and bucket lists. I’ve learnt the best way to avoid daily breakdowns and weeks of procrastination is to focus my attention on no more than three things/projects at a time, and to take each day as it comes, tomorrow can wait. As can the twenty six miles I’ve got to somehow drag myself around. If anyone has Bernard’s watch, now would be a good time to confess!

Having said all that, I have made one new year’s resolution. Okay, two. I really need to cut my hair. But apart from that, 2016 will be the year I pluck up the courage to pay a visit to the doctor. I think I’ve done better than I could have possibly imagined in terms of self help, but there’s only so much you can do without a professional’s aid. I feel that a talking therapy like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) would suit me best at this moment in time, just got to stop envisioning the doctor laughing or dismissing me from the building first. If worse comes to worse, I’ll have ten cheesecakes and reruns of Downton Abbey, Once Upon a Time and Merlin awaiting my return and you won’t hear from me for three months. Not even sure who I’m kidding by thinking ten cheesecakes will last three mere months. But you get the jist, the first step is all that matters for now. If I can attempt to run a marathon, I can give this a whirl too. And sharing it in this blog means it’s in writing, I can’t wimp out.

Aside from facing my fears, I plan to spend 2016 working on a couple of dance and art projects, making tracks towards preparing for my masters degree and whatever else the year plans to throw my way! I have actually also set myself the task of reading one book a month, rather than reading a book and mourning it two months after I’ve finished. Oh yeah, and I’m running a marathon, WAHOOOOO! I’m half excited and can’t wait for the opportunity to bask in the atmosphere of the event, and half convinced that Sunday 24th April can bugger off and stay in the future where it belongs. I say that, but what’s the betting I’ll have signed up to a second marathon two minutes after completing the first… Fool of a Took.

I, like most dancers, often dream of performing either without preparation or just plain old forgetting the choreography on stage. Bit like the standing naked in front of a crowd nightmare but worse, trust me. I am currently awaiting my first nightmare in which I’m standing at the starting line only to suddenly realise I’ve done diddly squat training. In reality that side of things is thankfully going well so far. Pre-training before Christmas was filled with mud (and lots of it, obviously underestimated this mild December), my first blister and the discovery of my new running jam – ‘Be Prepared’ from The Lion King, thankyou Scar. My milage was increasing nicely so I thought I’d treat myself to a week off over Christmas stuffing my face with roast potatoes and Ferrero Rocher. Tuesday marked the start of my 17 week training program and I’ve never found a twenty minute run more excruciating, it was like wading through melted Quality Street. I now realise the importance of good nutrition as well as good running kit. Whilst everyone else was making the most of the sales, I was shopping for running tights and sweat-wicking socks at half price.

Speaking of money, fundraising will now be in full force! (Should have started earlier, should have started earlier. Que panic attack). I apologise in advance if by April you’re wanting to stuff one of my running socks in my mouth, but I can promise it’s for a wonderful charity and I’ll more than be paying for it in blood, sweat and tears… literally. I’ll be selling art work of my own in the hope of raising some extra pennies, so if you have any requests do throw them my way and I’ll see what I can do!

Thankyou for all of your support and donations so far! And if you’ve listened to me for at least one sentence, I salute you. For now, I hope you enjoyed a wonderful Christmas and have a happy 2016 surrounded by loved ones and spending it doing what you love, I sure as hell plan to! Please have a drink for me tonight as I will be in the land of nod with a snoring dog at my side. Today’s running song: ‘Middle of the Bed’ Lucy Rose.

P.s What’s new year without a good old Facebook quiz, so on board with this:  

Obsessive Christmas Disorder… and the other one.

1

12

123

1234 

12345 

123456 

1234567 

12345678

123456789 

12345678910

10987654321

1098765432

109876543

10987654

1098765

109876

10987

1098

109

10

was the sequence I repeated in the loo in order to calm myself after my melt down the other week… I’m hoping you’ve all been there too..?! I completely forgot to try the obvious deep breaths (I always do) and didn’t have a Sudoku to hand (always a winner). However, my wonderful work wife offered me a few droplets of flower essences thingamejig which worked an absolute treat and I stocked up at the health shop on the way home. It was aptly called ‘Rescue Remedy’, although it tasted suspiciously of vodka. This is her work mug…

  

I’d been melting down all over the place for about two weeks straight. I almost cried at being acknowledged as an actual adult when the lady in Waitrose told me I looked like a woman who knew how to pack a bag. Life affirming stuff right there at the till. Naturally I tried to blame it on the time of the month fairy, but two weeks is an unusually long time to feel so angry, overwhelmed and even depressed. If you’ve been following you’ll know anxiety is more my forte so these feelings of depression came as a bit of a surprise and I naturally went into panic mode: welcome back anxiety! I’m pleased to be feeling a whole lot better, especially now I’ve invested in some proper running kit. I utterly underestimated just how freezing it suddenly turned mid November when I got two minutes down the road and had to turn back. The runners walk of shame I called it, proving that the saying “there is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing” shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I’m currently feeling pretty uneasy and at war with this post, it has after all been a few of weeks since my last (I’ve decided that writing when I need to write rather than on a weekly basis is the way to go) and I’m quite a private person anyway so this whole blogging experience feels very unnatural at times. There is something that I’ve held back, and as much as I’d like to keep it wrapped up in cotton wool, it really defeats the whole purpose of keeping a marathon blog and running it for MIND Mental Health Charity. This has been a topic of fear for a long time, something I only dared tell my own mother a few months ago. But I’ve found that when you grow older and become more and more comfortable with yourself you inevitably become comfortable with not giving a monkeys about what other people think of you. So here, Dear Internet, is one of my best kept secrets: OCD.

Apart from previously being utterly terrified about sharing this with, well anyone, anxiety has always been the bigger issue so I think that’s also why I avoided the subject like the plague. I’ve suffered with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder on and off for the majority of my life. On good days it’s a bit annoying, and on really bad days it will flare up and of course be far from enjoyable but they are thankfully few and far between. While I may not feel as crippled by it like I do with anxiety, it’s there and it needs to be talked about as there are a huge amount of people out there keeping a similar secret but have it a lot worse off than I do. I can only imagine how horrendous that must feel, hence my desire to run lots of miles and raise lots of vital awareness.

As the assumption goes, I’m not a ‘clean freak’ – that does not mean you have OCD. If I could ask the world anything in regards to our attitude towards mental health it would be to stop misusing the phrase when you are referring to being neat. Trust me, you would not be feeling so easy like a Sunday morning about the term if you understood what it actually meant. Same goes for the word ‘depressed’ which is flung about far too non chalontly. For me it’s about avoiding certain numbers, praying and worrying incessantly about my loved ones safety whenever they or I leave the house, and the phrase ‘touch wood’ is somewhat of a comfort blanket during stressful times. Remember that episode of Friends when Joey goes to work with Ross at the museum, and that guy stands up and exclaims that he needs to flip the light switch on and off seventeen times or his family will die? Yeah, along those lines but thankfully not to that extent. Although, funny Friends episodes aside, this is a reality for many people.

The best way to describe it is like a persistent tick in your mind that doesn’t let up until you’ve performanced a certain action in order to relieve it. For example, if an unpleasant thought comes to mind, an uncomfortable pressure will cease to dissolve until you knock on wood or something to that effect. That’s a very small example but MIND’s website is packed full of useful information about OCD so please pay it a visit if you wish to have a better understanding: http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/#.Vm1hHuzfXYU 

As with most mental illnesses it is invisible and (don’t ask me why) the ‘ticks’ are unlikely to be active in the company of others. Though I can almost guarantee that someone you know or care about is experiencing some kind of difficulties with their mental health. I personally find OCD one of the most taboo, poked fun at, and misunderstood of the lot. And while my experience with it has luckily not hindered my day to day life like anxiety has, it’s been a part of me nonetheless. It felt a little cowardly of me to take on this challenge and conveniently leave out this minor detail! But if I’m to help at least one person feel a little braver and approach their own mental health issues, it’s going to require some guts. 

If you’d like to give me a hand helping those around you with their own hidden struggles, my donation page is live and the one and only Mr Stephen Fry has been kindly donning a sweat band with my name on it. True story, though please note that is not my runners nipple featured: https://www.myfundraisingfilm.com/view/a4c16e45-7044-4ed8-a3f1-496eb49251f1?utm_source=email&utm_medium=socialshare&utm_campaign=myfundraisingfilm 

Aside from a fortnight of hiding under the duvet from my emotions, this blog post and the cold outside, I’m now back in business. You know those dreams you have when you’re flying and how awesome they are? When I used to run at school I had similar dreams in which I could run for what felt like hours without tiring; also awesome, no matter how lame that sounds. Well, today is a dreary, rainy Sunday and I did not want to drag my backside out of bed. I had to of course, and decided to treat myself to The Nutcracker soundtrack. Not your average running track but being a dancer (I really will try not to split leap the whole run) and slightly bonkers about Christmas (you’ve heard of Obsessive Christmas Disorder too, right?) I thought I’d stick to my strengths and ended up running my best run yet, finally reaching that dream like feeling I’ve apparently been striving for! For the first time, um… ever, I actually feel like I might just be able to cross that finish line. No niggles as yet, though both my calves were protesting after Friday morning’s run. Too much resistance to dance to this week’s running song I reckon: ‘Let’s Dance’ David Bowie.

Thanks so much for reading and listening to me attempt to discuss a very fragile subject for many people. More running and fundraising woes to come, I can assure you! Also, have a wee browse of any previous posts if you’re feeling a little lost. Happy Sunday!

Week 1: Career talks and chocolate salad.

  
I am relieved to share that I have made it through the first week of marathon training… *whimper*. Naturally my anxiety driven brain is already comparing this week to the weeks ahead so extra effort in slowing down is essential. As bizarre as that sounds, anxiety is all about thinking in future tense so I am taking on the role of the tortoise rather than the hare in this race.

This week I hope to explain a little more in depth as to why the ruddy hell I’m choosing to run a grand total of 26 miles to my death. But before I do I’d like to thank those who so warmly responded to my previous post, I’m beyond grateful! As I mentioned, talking about the subject is key to tackling anxiety. While it’s utterly terrifying to do so, not only does it help with my own progress, it also acts as an open invitation for others to understand their struggles and pass the parcel of love! I’ve been waiting for the right time to write about my experience and I have those who have written before me to thank. It’s a blessing to read that someone else is juggling the joys of anxiety, although they all do it so much more beautifully than I!

So as you know I worry a lot, I get overwhelmed pretty easily, I get nervous on a regular basis, and I relax when I’m unconscious… More often than not I’m described as quite a calm person (LOL), but if you head on inside and up the stairs, this is where the not so magical magic happens. I spend too much time in my head and not enough in my own body, which is partly why I was so keen to take on such a physical challenge. Training as a dancer and competing as a sprinter at school I know too well the effect exercise has not only on our physical health, but our mental health too. While I feel anxious over small things like seeing a lone mocking bird, accidentally swallowing my mouthwash, or how one strand of hair is agonisingly tugging on my scalp amidst my french braid, and if I take it out I will require copious amounts of a frizz defying hair product (all within 24 hours folks…) I find that the big, more life altering stuff tends to weigh on my mind just as equally, my career in particular.

I am a dancer, that is what most people know me for. And although my dancing days could not have been any better, the enormous pressure I had built up for myself hit me like a ton of bricks upon finishing my degree and I had something new to worry about. I took class and performed for a short while but I very quickly reached the point of claiming that I’d never dance or perform again (this naturally didn’t last long). Along with my inability to function under pressure, the unaddressed issue with the cost of living for today’s generation, and practically asking for a hard life choosing a career in the arts, my career related standstill has been very much fuelled by anxiety. Though I’ve been dealing with anxiety for many years my education was in preparation for my work related future, and when that future became inevitably uncertain, this was the worst case scenario for someone who is always looking ahead and who fears the unknown.

Fast forward to the present day and I’m actually quite thankful for my anxiety despite a very isolating period of time; only in retrospect am I recognising its value. Without it I wouldn’t have discovered Mind. I wouldn’t be running the London Marathon. I wouldn’t be planning a masters degree in Dance Movement Psychotherapy. I wouldn’t be actively creating again. I wouldn’t have taken up my long lost passion for art. I wouldn’t have discovered all of these things in the process of relieving myself of anxiety itself!

I have good days and bad days of course. On the good ones it’s sunshine and lollipops and getting work done. On the bad ones I’m taking three hour Netflix breaks and comparing my career to everyone else’s on the planet. But that is what mothers who gift you with chocolate bars bigger than your head are for. I’m pleased to say I have successfully squeezed it into this week’s marathon diet of sweet potato, spinach and pasta, taking this piece of wisdom I recently offered a friend very seriously:

“Chocolate comes from cocoa,

Which is a tree 

That makes it a plant.

Chocolate is salad.”

If you’re reading, thankyou again for learning a little about mental health and for persevering with my amateur writing skills! My fundraising page is officially live and you can visit at: http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/kellyrosecrocker

This week’s running song: ‘Hesitation’ Beat Connection.

The ‘A’ word…

Hello! My name is Kelly and if you’re reading this you’re probably aware that I received some brilliant, albeit terrifying news very recently! Running the London Marathon has been on my bucket list for some time now and better still, I shall be running it for a charity very close to home and heart. Mind (www.mind.org.uk) are a leading mental health charity in England and Wales and are an invaluable source of information for 1 in 4 of us that suffer with a mental health problem every year. While it makes me feel horrendously vulnerable to admit over the internet, Mind were the first piece in the puzzle in helping myself to understand the ‘A’ word: anxiety.

Up until about a year ago I’d never considered that what I was going through had a name and that I was not alone. Many of my friends may remember me calling it a quarter life crisis, the inevitable period of “now what?” that descends upon most twenty somethings leaving university. But three years later and less than two months until my 27th birthday, I feel no different.

So at the risk of sounding like one of those educational dvd’s your forced to watch every other science lesson at school, it’s probably a good idea to address a particular question before I ramble on any further. What is anxiety?

Anxiety is a mental health disorder, much like depression, OCD and many others. While I despise the word disorder as it is truly so much more common than we realise, gaining the knowledge that I did via Mind was the best thing that could have happened to me. Learning that I wasn’t going crazy was beyond a relief and there were other people experiencing something similar or the same thing.

There is no one size fits all when it comes to anxiety, therefore it is likely that I do not experience the same symptoms as the next person. However, many describe depression as living in the past, and for me the best way to describe anxiety is like setting up camp in the future. While I can’t speak for everyone suffering with anxiety, I can tell my story and hope that I raise some awareness in the process. Not forgetting torturing myself for 26.2 miles…

I’ve not got a dicky bird if or when my anxiety started, I really struggle to remember living without it. I’m naturally introverted, highly sensitive, empathetic and a bit of a worrier..! And while a great number of people tend to worry or feel anxious during times of high stress, it’s when this continues regularly and into everyday life that it becomes a problem. Being mugged, opting for a struggling career in the arts, moving house, losing loved ones, and eventually being hospitalised by glandular fever have been typical times of increased anxiety, but I also worry about choosing a film to watch and how uncomfortable my sock feels inside my shoe more than the average person. Yes, Netflix has proven to be highly stressful many a time…

To put it as simply as possible, I fear almost everything and I don’t know why. It feels illogical and irrational not to mention exhausting. My brain has been on overdrive for as long as I can remember to the point that I feel the need to rush everything, including brushing my hair. I could be in the best mood or doing something that I’ve done hundreds of times like hopping on a train to London or walking to work and still feel anxious. Some typical symptoms I personally experience include:

• Shallow breathing 
• Holding in/tensing stomach 
• Muscular tension 
• Low energy levels 
• Burn out 
• Fearing unknown 
• Stress 
• Excessive nerves 
• Easily overwhelmed 
• Over thinking 

Unfortunately anxiety sufferers are often masters of disguise (mwaha!) and it can be one of the most invisible conditions making it extremely difficult to detect. But what can really hinder treatment and diagnosis of many mental health illnesses is the stigma attached. Our mental health should be just as vital as our physical health, and yet the phrase “mental health” is still taboo. I managed to fool even myself and spent a year of my life too frightened to leave the front door. I wouldn’t wish that kind of isolation and confusion on anybody. I have good days and bad days and still a way to go (more on that later), but I am no different to someone struggling with their physical health. Theirs may be the heart, mine is the brain, a pretty vital organ I should think despite our apparent need to ignore it. If undiagnosed, anxiety can be crippling not to mention degrading, and by not talking about it we are only making life even more difficult for those dealing with it. And there are a lot. 

Telling someone with anxiety to just relax is like telling someone with depression to cheer up, which brings me back to the reason I have chosen to run the London Marathon for Mind. Mind are there to help us learn about mental health. Learning about it tends to lead to talking about it, and while this is an incredible relief in itself, it can also hopefully lead to help. 

Although I feel super queezy sharing all of this as I would publishing my diary and selling it at the local Waterstones, the act of sharing and hopefully raising awareness plus a few pennies in the process is extremely worthwhile. In the run up to April I will be aiming to blog about my experience, from Phoebe from Friends-esque runs in the park to anxiety fuelled decisions about what to eat for dinner, all in the name of raising awareness and giving you all a good laugh too. 

My training officially started this morning, and apart from throbbing ears, numb fingers (hello winter?) and the man twice my age whose dust I ate as he zoomed past me, all in all felt wonderful. A clearer mind and all for a good cause, talk about two birds with one stone. 

If you’ve made it this far, a huge pat on the back and a sincere thankyou from the bottom of my heart. I hope to have my donation page up and running shortly. Until next time!

This week’s running song: ‘My Type’ Saint Motel.